PDA

There is a corner of the library that is difficult to see from the circulation desk. The other day, I happened to wander over there to shelve a book, and I saw a girl sitting on a guy’s lap…and they were full on making out. Furious, I ordered them to leave the library. They took their time getting up and didn’t act embarrassed at all that I had caught them.

Later than morning, the guy comes in to talk to me:

Student: Miss, can I talk to you?

Me: Yes…

Student: About this morning?

Me: Yes…

Student: What was it that you think you saw?

Me: What was it that I think I saw? I don’t think I saw anything. I know I saw your girlfriend sitting on your lap, and the two of you were making out.

Student: Miss, that wasn’t making out! We were just cuddling.

Me: Oh, that’s what that’s called nowadays? Cuddling?

Student: Yes, miss. Cuddling.

Me: Well, I don’t want the two of you in here cuddling ever again. You hear me?

Student: So, if we can’t cuddle, can we make out?

Backhanded Compliment?

Overheard:

“She looks like a muppet…That’s not a total diss–I like muppets.”

‘Tude

A freshman girl walks up to the circulation desk and hands me the book she wants to check out.  I glance at the title and see that it is the second book in a rather complex adult-level trilogy.

Me:  Oh, did you realize this is a sequel?

Student:  [Glares at me.]  No.

Me:  Do you want me to find the first book for you?

Student:  [Still glaring.] No.

Me:  Are you sure?  This book really isn’t going to make much sense without having read the first one.

Student:  [Glares harder.]

Me:  So you still want to check it out?

Student:  [If looks could kill…] Yes.

Me:  Okay then.  Here you go…enjoy.

Student:  […I’d be dead] No.

Classy

Me:  I saw you going into In School Suspension yesterday.

Student:  Yes…

Me:  Why were you in ISS?

Student:  Because I had mace.  I don’t know what’s wrong with having mace.

Me:  Well, mace is considered a weapon, and you can’t have weapons at school.

Student:  Ugh.

Me:  Were you carrying it?  How did they find out you had it?

Student:  No, it was in my backpack.  They did a random backpack search.

Me:  Wow…and they happened to pick you.

Student:  Yeah, well, I’m a target.  They saw me get off the bus with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

Sacrilege

Me:  Hi, how was your weekend?

Student:  It was terrible!

Me:  Oh no!  Why?

Student:  I had to go to church twice.

Pricey

Replacement IDs cost $5.  If a student needs an ID but doesn’t have $5, he or she can “charge” it and pay it back later.  We keep track of all charges in a database.  When a student charges, we pull up his or her account and let him or her know how much is owed.  One student (a rather animated freshman) came in to charge an ID.  I pulled up his account and saw that he owed $255.

Me:  Wow!  You owe $255 for IDs!

Student:  [in shock] $255!  $255!

Me:  Yes, $255.  You might have the record for having charged the most IDs!

Student:   I knew I was good at something!

Drama

A student walks in with an ice pack on his hand. 

Me:  What happened?

Student:  I punched a wall!

Me:  Oh!  Wow…why—

Student:  Miss, you don’t even want to know.

A Balanced Diet

Me:  Have I told you that I’m leaving?

Student:  What?!

Me:  Yeah, I’m moving to the east coast.

Student:  Noooooo!  You can’t go…

Me:  I know…I’m bummed to be leaving, too!

Student:  We’ll miss you!  Wait…what if we kidnapped you?  We could keep you in that back room.

Me:  Well, would you feed me?

Student:  Yes!  We’d bring you a big bag of skittles and a two-liter soda every day.

 

Bilingual?

Me:  Good morning!

Student:  I’m listening to songs in Korean!

Me:  Oh, do you know Korean?

Student:  I pretend to.

 

Can’t Seem to Comply

Student:  Hey, [my first name]!

Me:  Did you just call me [my first name]?

Student:  Yes.

Me:  You should really call me Ms. [my last name].

Student:  Why?

Me:   Because I’m like one of your teachers.  Do you call your teachers by their first names?

Student:  Not to their faces.

Me:  So you call them their first names behind their backs?

Student:  Yes, like when I’m home doing tons of homework.  I say, “Darn you — I figured I shouldn’t say damn you in the library — Mike or Sarah or whoever gave the most homework that day.

Me:  Interesting.

Student:  I think so, [my first name].

Me:  Ms. [my last name].

Student:  Okay, okay…Ms. [my first name].

Me:  Out.